Mall Santas

December is a magical month.  Why?  Because it gives the biggest losers on earth a chance to become a celebrity.  These individuals have skill sets that are beneficial to our society for just an astonishing four weeks out of the year.

Let’s review the three Mall Santa job requirements:
-Applicant must be fat, with the ability to sit in one spot for several hours
-You must NOT be clean shaven, the scruffier the better
-Must possess strong desire to be photographed with young boys

Eleven months out of the year you’ll be locking your car doors when this person walks by.  But in December, you now want to go sit on his lap?  Count me out.  I know the real Santa is still out there somewhere, and I’m looking for him.  I know how to spot the fakes, and I won’t be fooled by these lazy Mall Santas who don’t glitter their pubes…

Why a sax? Better if he had a flute. Santa told me. -Carl Winslow

So, let me get this straight.  That’s not the real Santa?? What are you going to tell me next? That, that kid isn’t Richard Simmons nephew?? I don’t know what to believe anymore. -Bruce Wayne

If you had to guess, how many Mall Santas would come up on that internet site of registered sex offenders? I’m gonna low-ball it and go with 74.8%. -Rod Thunder